Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
