Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
I did not marry a roomba.
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