I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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