I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Randomize
