I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
