TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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