i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
