My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
