when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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