In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
