You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
