adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
