The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
