im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
