Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
