If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
