You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
