he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
