I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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