gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
