They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
