He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Randomize
