In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize
