where am i from again
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
