So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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