Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Randomize
