Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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