that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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