We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
