I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
