i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
