Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
