in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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