I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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