I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
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