can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
