Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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