I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
