if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
