Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
