Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
