I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
