Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
