saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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