Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
