i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
