I feel great
I just peed on a car
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
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