We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
