The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
