I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
