Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
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