I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
